Being Single While in a Relationship

We're on a break.

I believe being alone is a part of being in a relationship.

Last Wednesday, my boyfriend and I had not so much a fight as a discussion filled with disappointment. Then on Thursday, we tried to talk it out. I know that I was in the wrong this time, so I apologized. However, it wasn't a good talk, because both of us were still smarting from yesterday's conflict.  We had thought that just by talking it out, everything will be resolved and return to normal. In the end, not only did we not resolve anything, we made things worse. Since we were both still fuming from yesterday, we weren't talking with love and care, but with anger and disappointment instead. To put it simply, both of us were trying to explain ourselves, but neither of us were willing to understand each other. Even simpler: both of us were talking, none of us were listening. 

After the talk on Thursday, we had thought that we're good now; simply because I asked, "we good?" and he answered, "we good." But we were not good. Through Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we would talk on the phone like usual. What's unusual, though, was the atmosphere. It felt like a rock was stuck in between our relationship, but we just couldn't find it. Our phone calls, though frequent, were cold and distant. The atmosphere was heavy like solid. Many times we just sat there holding our phones listening to each other breathe, because we knew we had to say something but we didn't know exactly what.  What else could we say? It felt like we had said everything, it also felt like we said nothing. 

Then I understood what was going on. He hasn't forgiven me, and that in turn made me unconsciously feel like a convict. Sometimes just an "I'm sorry" is not enough, which is the case here. And he has all the right to not be okay, it's not his obligation to forgive me. However, we weren't giving him a chance to move on by calling and suffocating each other everyday. 

So on Monday, I called and told him to give himself some time to think about whether or not he can forgive me. Otherwise, we're just gonna spend everyday calling each other out of politeness and a sense of duty, and it's exhausting. He agreed, and thus we've stopped contacting each other until now. Today is Thursday, so it's been three days since we had any contact at all. 

You might think it's been hard. Well, it hasn't been a breeze, but I won't deny that I've been enjoying the "single-phase". Don't get me wrong, I do miss him, but being alone without having to think about when he's going to call or when I have to call and having my own time to do my own stuff is good. Also, we both get time to really think about what was happening the past week, and what we're gonna do after this. Sometimes, we get caught up in all the turmoil of being in a relationship that we get confused. And when we fight, all we would be able to think of is "I'm gonna try to resolve this and make sure we don't break up after this while still giving him/her a piece of my mind." It sounds confusing, because that's how we're feeling and that's what we're making things turn into: confusing. When we're in a relationship, and we fight, our immediate instinct would be to "hold on like there's no tomorrow", and that doesn't help.

Once a while, you feel the need to be single while in a relationship, just so you can decide whether if you prefer to stay single or get back in the relationship. Giving each other a break gives each other a chance to be able to think more clearly about what's going on and what we should do. Right now, I'm waiting for his decision, and after that I'll give him mine. For now, I try to enjoy being single while in a relationship.